Discover the Healing Power of Forgiveness

Making up

We’ve all experienced it. An argument with a friend or partner, a heated exchange of words that are wounding and leave an indelible mark on a relationship. Or, more hurtful still, someone you trusted steals from you, or lies about you or to you. This is all part of life, a common experience for most of us. But what happens when we can’t let go of the anger and resentment we feel when our boundaries are crossed or violated, long after the event itself? This blog explores the damaging effects of holding a grudge, and the healing power of forgiveness.

Think of a moment when you’ve felt angry – whether justified or not. Chances are your breath has become shallower and faster in pace, and that your body has tensed up. That’s all normal – appropriate anger is a protective response that prepares our nervous system for ‘fight or flight’ when we perceive a threat to our safety or wellbeing. Problems come when we can’t down-regulate that response, though. When we get stuck in that low level of anger, frustration and resentment towards someone who has hurt us, we’re maintaining a high adrenaline state. This has a knock-on effect on physical wellbeing, such as high blood pressure, insomnia, and a poor immune response.

Other relationships are affected too, because when your energy is wrapped up in the wrong that was done to you, it’s harder to enjoy the present moment with someone else. And if you’re on a spiritual path, then holding a grudge just doesn’t feel good – it’s incongruent, and your system knows it.

What is forgiveness?

At its most basic, forgiveness is a release of hurt feelings, a letting go and an agreement to move on. But Bob Enright, PhD, psychologist at the University of Wisconsin, explains there’s more to it. He says that true forgiveness also offers something positive toward the person who hurt you. For example, empathy, compassion or understanding. This element is a powerful feature in the healing power of the act of forgiveness. 

Forgiveness doesn’t automatically mean reconciliation. If you’ve experienced abuse at the hands of a partner, for example, it’s wise to part ways and stay away from the abuser. Sometimes trust breaks down so completely that a relationship is no longer possible.

And finally, it’s important to mention that forgiveness can extend to yourself too. We’re all fallible, and growing together towards greater awareness of ourselves, after all.

The healing power of forgiveness

You may be used to thinking of forgiveness as an act that has healing benefits for the other person, but did you know that it has powerful healing benefits for the forgiver, too?

Observational studies show that forgiveness is associated with reduced levels of depression, anxiety and hostility; reduced substance abuse; boosted self-esteem. In a study exploring the relationship between stress, psychological well-being and forgiveness, it was found that those with greater levels of accumulated lifetime stress showed worse mental health outcomes. That’s to be expected.

But – those volunteers who scored highly on measures of forgiveness didn’t so predictably suffer poor mental health (Journal of Health Psychology, 2016). The healing power of forgiveness lies in breaking that link between stress and psychological distress.

Another study followed participants for five weeks to monitor their levels of forgiveness. Researchers found that when forgiveness rose, stress levels decreased. And that in turn resulted in reduced mental health symptoms (Annals of Behavioral Medicine, 2016).

How to forgive

Firstly, forgiveness is not a single act. It’s a process that calls for commitment and practice. To move towards it, think about the benefits of forgiveness for you. How might you redirect the energy that is bound up in a grudge or in old anger? What might you use it for – to create something, to express something in art or music, to make a positive difference to the world?

It's important to acknowledge your feelings about the hurt caused to you. Forgiveness doesn’t always mean forgetting, especially if the hurt was serious or left life-changing effects. Find support to help you identify your feelings and how they cause you to behave.

If you can, reflect on the situation from the other person’s point of view. What might they have been feeling or experiencing? This will help you soften your perspective and expand the energy held in tension in your body.

When you are ready, make an active choice to forgive the person who hurt you. You don’t need to speak this to the person, you could write a letter and send it, or write it and burn it, or simply acknowledge the choice by lighting a candle for example. Feel the release of the power and control the offending person and act had over your life.

Be prepared to forgive over and over again – even small offences may take a while to let go. That’s OK – after all, forgiveness of yourself is a key part of this practice, so let yourself off the hook!

If you’re still struggling, here’s a suggestion from Dr Tyler VanderWeele, co-director of the Initiative on Health, Religion, and Spirituality at the Harvard T.H. Chan School of Public Health. He suggests practising small acts of forgiveness throughout your day. So next time someone jumps the queue or lets a door bang shut in front of you, make use of that as an opportunity to recognise how it makes you feel, acknowledge that it wasn’t directed at you personally and forgive the offender then and there. This breaks the hold of the negative reaction in its tracks and releases its power over you. And the more you experience that release of energy, the better motivated you will feel to forgive anyone who has personally offended or hurt you.

Forgiveness as a spiritual practice with down-to-earth benefits

Forgiveness is a practice that features in the scriptures of many world faiths and is part of a spiritual path for many people. It can feel like a small act, or a huge challenge, but there is growing evidence that its effects are significant, both personally and collectively.

If you’d like help to forgive someone who has hurt you, do get in touch for support.